Tonight I spent with one very old friend and four guys paid to lie for a living. They’re a bunch of contractors. When big companies – say Barnes and Noble – suspect an employee of stealing, they usually can’t prove it. Companies can’t even accuse the employee without some hard proof.
Enter these dudes. Contracted by the company, these dudes come in and spin unbelievable tales. They fly in to wherever the suspicious behavior occurs. They stay as long as it takes to elicit a response/confession. And they lie and lie.
They lie their asses off. Enormous, fantastical lies. Stories so obscure that ultimately, sheepish and shamed, the stealing employee confesses.
I am not making this up.
Good lord, I want this job.
We’re in the basement of this bar. Normally it’s all lawyers. Tonight it was just us, the only Republicans in New York, and my very old friend. Not casual republicans; I mean adjacent to our little group drank a former Bush official wearing administration cufflinks. The liars were, predictably, a bunch of old Marines.
There’s something refreshing about that. To bond with a bunch of professional liars you met because they demanded a dirty joke. To be in exactly that former-bartender state-dependent place where all those jokes come bubbling up.
Also I’m a chick. When one by one the lying liars made sure I had their numbers, I couldn’t help but but muse: What if I called them. What an exercise, what an intellectual acrobatic, to date an expert liar.
The thing about lying professionally, it seems, is that you’d have to have a colorful story to begin with to pull it off. No one just wakes up one day w/ disdain for the truth; your story has to be colorful enough to inspire a series of stretches — truth calisthenics — over the years.
One of the dudes was the third of sixteen kids. Another is a Regan Republican who voted for Obama bc his daughter, who was murdered in 2008, desperately wanted “change.” These were a bunch of crazy Irish Catholics interesting enough to render the truth or falsity of their statements pretty much immaterial.
And seriously how does one get this job?!