“Hello, I am Monica Lewinsky. You all are probably too young to know me, except for the rap songs of, well, everyone…. Many people have even told me to change my name… I was a twenty something who fell in love with her boss–it was just that my boss was the president… I was patient zero: the first person to have their reputation destroyed overnight…. When the Starr report was released I was in a crummy hotel in New York with a huge supply of m&m’s… I spent the day shouting ‘oh my god.’ That day I kept thinking ‘I want to die.’ Now my brother and his fraternity bro’s were privy to my most personal details… Thinking back I was nearly ‘humiliated to death.’ I am here today to speak out against cyber bullying. 54% of facebook users report cyber bullying. They say it takes a lifetime to build a reputation, but only a minute to lose it. In 1998: that Monica was born–the Monica of the media. Then I had my sense of self stolen.
Today I have no idea how I survived. But having survived myself I want to help other victims of the shame game. Remember Carl Rogers: “the most personal is the most universal.”
Problem is I believe in power of story to change things for the better. I believe my story can help–to change the culture of humiliation.
I have been silent for a decade but now I must disturb the universe. In the end I am no proof rock. I want to be part of the solution. What we need is a solution. We have an empathy crisis.
Oscar Wilde: ‘I have said that behind sorrow there is always sorrow. Behind sorrow there is always a soul . . . . And to mock at a soul in pain is a dreadful thing.'”
(lifted from Facebook)
Advocates of birth control and abortion frequently fly the banner of “women’s reproductive health,” as if the prevention and termination of pregnancy were intrinsically therapeutic–which is to say, as if the capacity to become pregnant were a disease or defect. The same logic would treat the freezing of eggs as a therapy and the normal decline of a woman’s fertility with age as a disease or defect.
We understand how these technologies can be construed as liberating for women. But just as our hypothetical osteotomy advocate is no friend of the wee, reproductive-choice feminism can also be seen as a form of misogyny.
One more point: This column has noted in the past how the pill, now ubiquitous and generally seen as benign and liberating for women, was also harmful to women. By giving them control over the reproductive process, it absolved men of responsibility. By promising consequence-free sex, it expanded male sexual options. As a result, it became harder for women to demand commitment either as a precondition of sex or in the event of unintended pregnancy. That contributed to the decline of marriage, the rise in illegitimacy and the demand for abortion.
Imagine if cosmetic osteotomy caught on, so that a significant percentage–let’s say one-third–of short men were having the procedure. That would have similar systemic effects. The average male height would rise considerably, while the number of short men would decline. Short men who were content to live in a society with a natural height distribution would feel more isolated and diminished, increasing the pressure on them to get stretched. Men of average natural height would find themselves slipping below average, as former 5-foot-6ers shot up to 6-foot-2. At that point even tall men would have to have the procedure in order to maintain their advantage.
It would be like the arms race, only with legs.
BY E. E. CUMMINGS
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
whistles far and wee
and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it’s
when the world is puddle-wonderful
old balloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing
from hop-scotch and jump-rope and
This quote from very funny, newlywed fashion blogger Man Repeller perfectly sums up exactly what I’m looking for:
“Leandra: [S]eriously, I’m married to the most understanding human on this planet. We don’t have fights about these types of things and that’s why I keep pushing him because I feel like we’re at this stage in our lives where we can be so wholly selfish without having to wonder what’s going to be because, at the end of the day, we come home to each other. It’s not like I’m working really hard on the blog and also wondering what’s going to happen to my personal life.”
From Into the Gloss.
Isn’t that EXACTLY what calm is: predictability?
Complaining about how we’ve “normalized a culture of playing with guns” (yes, this is new, Cowboys and Indians is a new, video-game driven pastime), a mother is stressing how much she’s banning guns from her household:
“it’s a war on kids and their psyche; our house is so gunplay-free that I won’t even let my son hold his penis in an aggressive way as he’s potty-training.”
Really, lady? Kiddo is just excited to be attached to something so entertaining. The only one talking about a “war” here is YOU.
Great advice. I especially love these lines:
When do you listen to music? I’m guessing on the way to and from work. Me too.
Here’s something I’ve already begun to do – I’ve stopped listening to plaintive, delicate Dad Rock on the way to work, it’s going to be rap only from here on in. On the way to work, it’s going to be all aspirational, no reflection. Don’t get me wrong, I respect accordion skills and lyrical romanticism as much as the next guy – but whom do I want to emulate more in my business dealings each day – the Decemberists or Dr Dre? One of them is worth $260 million and just built and sold the Beats Audio headphone company as a side project.
The other one is really great at tying scarves.
On the way home, feel free to wallow in the fiddle & banjo Americana ambiance of the Lumineers and the Avett Brothers and the Wilcos and the Bands of Horses as well as Mumford and his sons. That stuff is great for decompression and chilling out. But you musn’t subject yourself to this Sad Bastard Music en route to the battlefield. Primarily because you’ll be playing against people like me, who’ve been main-lining an overdose of corner-holding bravado while you’ve been listening to an art major lick his own violin. Switch it up – aggressive and inspirational in the AM, plaintive and beautiful in the PM when the fightin’s done. Try this for a week, watch what happens.
Not certain that lawyers will benefit from comparing client interactions to colonoscopies, but here’s some interesting advice via Lawyerist:
The wisdom imparted by colonoscopies
One of Kahneman’s data points was surveys of people who underwent colonoscopies. For some patients, the tube was removed as soon as possible when the needed information was gathered. Others, after the examination was complete, had the tube left in for a while without it being moved (thus lessening the discomfort). Only then was it removed. The second set of patients rated the total experience as significantly less painful than the first set of patients, despite the fact that the procedure lasted longer and the total amount of very uncomfortable periods was the same. Similar results are found with people asked to place their hand in uncomfortably cold water. 60 seconds at a consistent temperature led to significantly worse memories of the experience than 90 seconds with the water warmed slightly during the last 30 seconds.
Kahneman concluded that duration of experience and “amount” of suffering really don’t matter. The highest or lowest points, and the way the experience ended, matter much, much more. I have a strong feeling this is why so many lawyers speak fondly of law school, and the farther in time they are from it, the fonder they are. It also explains why so many lawyers complain about how miserable they are, but change nothing. Their experiencing selves are unhappy, but their remembering selves re-write history to make it not seem so bad in retrospect.